Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Real Housewife of Portland

Let's just face it, The Real Housewives of OC, or NY, or Hotlanta aren't overly real. I've caught a few episodes of The Real Housewives of Atlanta because I am fascinated that those women live only a couple hours away from my house. It's something I find so cool about living in the south that people like Nicole Kidman and Taylor Swift are practically my neighbors. Not that I have a tremendous desire to meet them, but it's still kinda neat to me.
So back to "real housewives". I am a real housewife, but I do not know why some hot producer hasn't come up to me to make a show about my life. Perhaps I should send them a play by play of what makes up the day of this Real Housewife of Portland. 
So here it is: a rough draft of THE REAL HOUSEWIFE OF PORTLAND (TN)

What? It's morning already? I just fell asleep!  What is that jamming into my back? Oh, it's a kid. When did that kid get here? What time is it? What day is it? Husband is not here, he must have left for work which means one thing, it's still a weekday.
Kid climbs into my face and starts talking  "Hi mommy. Get up, the sun is up. What are we going to do today? Can I play on the swing set? Do you think it's going to rain today? Let's check the weather. I think Keira is awake. You need to go get her. I will get a diaper for her. Is Daddy staying home today? What's for breakfast? I'm hungry..."
I respond to kid, "Selina. Go say hi to Keira. Mommy will get up in a minute."
Selina runs to Keira's room and I look at the clock. 6:30AM. Roll out of bed and walk into the door instead of through the door of the bathroom. Look in the mirror. Note flaked mascara under eyes and hair looks rather messy.  Will fix this after a hot steaming cup of coffee.
Proceed to kitchen. Get coffee started. Find milk in the fridge and pour into sippy cups for the kids. Give first cup of milk to Selina. Then drop off 2nd milk in Keira's crib. She's having her morning meltdown (not a morning person like myself.) The milk is my peace offering to her. I leave her alone with her misery and milk. She will be happy in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later...
Enter 2nd kid's room
"Hi mommy!"
"Hi Keira. I see you've drank your milk and you are much happier! Mommy has had some coffee and she's much happier too."
Take kid number 2 out of crib and hold in a big hug. Change diaper and everyone meets upstairs to watch Mickey Mouse.
It's 8:02 AM and cabin fever has set in. I hit the computer and start searching Facebook to find anyone that would hang out with me and the kids at some point during the day. Search search search. AHA!  Found someone going to the park at 9 AM. I don't have much time to get ready and drive all the way to the park but we'll try for it.
Gulp rest of coffee.
Brush teeth.
Change clothes.
Do a load of laundry.
Finish dishes.
Throw hair in pony tail.
Wipe face.
This Mama is ready to go! 

Now for the kids...

Chase kids around the house.
Tell 1st kid to get dressed and go potty.
Hold 2nd kid down and force dress her.
Grab some baggies of cheerios and a banana.

Ok let's go!

Selina whines: "I can't find my other shoe. It's gone!! Someone stole it!"

I respond: "Selina, no one stole it. Where did you leave it last? Check your room." 

I look around. Where's Keira?  She is undressing herself behind the curtain.
"Keira! We have to go! Mommy has to put your clothes back on."

Selina comes back with the other shoe that no one stole. Time to go!

Driving in car...


What was that noise on the car roof? Look in rear view mirror. See cellphone crashing into pieces all over the road behind me.  Make mental note: don't leave cellphone on roof of car. Search for cellphone pieces. Find cellphone pieces. (Husband ends up fixing cellphone.)

Continue driving in car. Arrive at park

Children play and play and play. Mommies talk about the children; birth stories, potty training successes, picky eaters etc.

An hour and a half goes by and nap time is closing in. Pack up the kids and head home. Sing Old McDonald and Itsy Bitsy spider on the way to keep children from falling asleep in the car. I refuse to lose a whole nap time because of a 5 minute cat nap on the way home.
Arrive home. Slap together a PB&J sandwich for lunch. Everybody eats, then everybody rests.

Nap time is over.

Selina comes up stairs and asks if her cheeks are pink. Mommy knows she's actually napped when her cheeks are rosy pink. Usually cheeks are not pink. This means grumpy Selina from 6pm till bedtime.  Grab a sippy cup of milk for Keira. leave it in her crib for the 2nd peace offering of the day.

Afternoon activities commence:

Play fort, play blocks, bake cookies, color, fight erupts, somebody gets a time out, more playing, more fighting, mommy needs a time out.

Get dinner ready. "No Selina we are not going out for dinner"

Daddy gets home (do a happy dance!)

Eat dinner. Do more dishes. Get kids ready for bed.

Kid number 1 "Gotta go potty. Need a drink of water. I'm sick. Where's kitty? I don't like those jammies. I'm hungry" (Why didn't you eat your dinner? - Mommy)

Kid number 2 "Un teeth un teeth" (brush teeth)  Change diaper. Put jammies on. Tell kid number 2 to keep jammies on. Kiss on kid number 2's head. Sing a song. Night-night.

Kid number 1 Read story together, talk about the day, pray to Jesus. Kiss on forehead. Good night.

Kid 1&2 start fussing. Mommy says a loud "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD NIGHT!!!!"

The end.

Now come on, who wouldn't want to watch that on every Monday 8 CST? Isn't it riveting? I know a major network will be knocking on my door any time now....any time...

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